When a couple becomes a courtroom
Two people who are both right, and neither of them feeling heard.
There is a point, in many long relationships, where arguments stop being about something and become about who is right. Evidence gets produced. Sentences said months ago are quoted back. Each of them keeps a file, and keeps it current.
Why it never reaches an end
A courtroom can establish who was wrong, but it cannot give back the feeling of being understood — and that is almost always what is missing. When that is what is at stake, winning the argument makes things worse: one of them has just proved the other was wrong about their own feelings too.
The work here is not teaching people to argue better. It is understanding what each of them is trying to say when they say the wrong thing, which is almost always something simpler and older than the argument in progress.
Who wrote this article
Giada Stroppa
Writing is the first step
Tell me in your own words what this is about. I answer you myself, personally.